human...

today, i remembered i was human

for so long, i have been a machine

i am a generator

a system, built to perform a type of work

everything has been a process

a schedule

a task to complete

i am a droid,

a mechanical being,

following the signals sent from the commands in my brain

possessing the artificial knowledge i have gathered for myself,

and generating results to all the assignments listed

all camouflaged as a 'daily grind'

it's what i do

it's what i've always done

i produce

i accept that

i mean, i live...

a little

and even though, it may not be much

the robot inside me has made me realize that

a little, to me, is enough

but today,

today,

i remembered that i was human

i woke up.

i was behind schedule

i missed a meeting

i failed to perform an assignment

i was off task

and even though i wasn't producing,

my system was still running

i was still breathing

i was alive

it wasn't the end of the world

my world...

and i was okay with that.

so today... i am human

i have a soul

i feel feelings

i make mistakes

and sometimes, but only sometimes,

i don't produce

so what.

until all systems fail

and i stop breathing

i am human

a human that is okay with having enough

that loves to produce.

loves to create.

but still human.

watch me generate.

i fear...

i fear.

i fear falling.

i fear loving.

i fear fighting.

i fear feeling.
i fear failing.

i fear forgetting.

i fear.

falling because the ground hurts.

loving because it takes so little to take it all away

fighting because of the wounds those fights leave behind

feeling because the numbness is just so much easier

failing because the bottom can feel like the loneliest place on earth

and forgetting because, sometimes, the memories are all that's left...

but most of all i fear all these things

because...

i fear falling in love and fighting the feelings that i will always fail to forget...

one day...

she said,

one day...

one day, i'll care about someone more than i care about myself.

just not today...

i'm self-centered, they say

i act as though, the world revolves around me

i'm selfish and could care less about your feelings...

fine me.

when i gave every one else my all...

i was left alone...

i'm selfish because when i was selfless, i was taken advantage of

i don't care about your feelings,

because you could give a damn about mine.

so fine me.

i can't rely on anyone else to make me happy

because they always fail

i take matters into my own hands

because every one else drops the ball

and thus,

i have to love me for me

because everyone else loves me for someone else...

so one day...

i will care about someone else more than i care about myself...

just not today.

new few posts...

so...

i've been inspired...

but i few quotes i've heard over the past week or so...

be prepared...

and,

disclaimer: the way i interpret these quotes...

may be different than you expect...

so, don't be surprised.

my new years resolution...

well, i guess i would say all the usual stuff
get straight As
get a six pack...

floss everyday

stop biting my nails...

but, i really want to get closer to god...

we've always had a relationship

but for some reason

i never leave them up to him

i feel like i can't completely surrender

and allow him to take the lead

i don't really know why

i guess, i've always had to do things myself

and have always told myself that

in the end,

i have to everything myself.

so

this year

and every year thereafter

allowing my relationship with god...

to lead me.

and yep,

i'll follow...

tis all...

resolving...

"my resolution

not to become another person

but to become a better person"

to live in the moment

momentarily stopping to smell the orchids

living by faith

enjoying the sight

making my life a stream of highlights

laughing until it hurts

and the calories burn...

spending the second quarter of my life

failing spectacularlyembracing all the trails and trivial faults

and accomplishing everything i set out to

"i don’t want to start over

i want to start again"

adding pages to this life in the day...

another chapter shall begin

the paragraphs that will lead to the discovery of self

a narrative that never gets old...

thus
the shoutouts

to the ones that i may have hurt...

for anything and everything i have done

to any extent that i shouldn’t have

there are no words i could say to take those things away

but for that, i apologize

i hope you have used my faults to make yourselves better

better than anything i have done to be a hurdle on your life's journey

to the ones that got me through it...

the ones that matter the most to me

my family and friends and the friends i consider family

i salute you

you all make the struggles of life bearable

make this journey, so feasible

make everything, worthwhile

and make me, better

there are so many things i have done

with your support

and i know christ has placed you here that purpose

i wish you all so many blessings...

beyond measure

i love you all, dearly...

and, lastly, for those who continue in attempts to break me down

i.e. the haters.

i appreciate you...

and all your attempts to steal my joy...

i hope you all remain the pitiful excuses of existence that you strive so much to be

realize that you have failed, miserably, and will continue to

as long as you maintaini your place as

the obstacles on my road to success
because trust... this road is quite successful...

at the end of the today... and any day thereafter
know that "my god is only using you as a tool to build my glory"

so
i thank you…you made my great, greater…

[gimme some, up top...]

and

"in conclusionthis year i am
resolving to resolve…"

i hope to be closer to god...

because through him... this is just too easy...
and 2012... ain't nothing but another 365 days...

so smile,

be positive,

exude happiness,

lymi…

or in elaborate words

i love you

and i mean that…

happy new year

happy 2012

why he won't date you, girl

gggiiirrrlllllll,
so here's my funny little list part, two...

it's kind of interesting because i got some interesting feedback about why women are single these last couple of days...
i have my own beliefs about that...
so this by no means, me giving relationship advice... because
i shouldn't be.
just for laughs... mostly.
thus,

gggiiiirrrlllllll,
he won't date you 'cause...

1. 'cause... your toes are jacked... no one wants to play footsie and be scared they will get cut by your nails, or scratched by the dryness of your skin... so ummm, make sure you get a pedi... and lotion up...

2. 'cause... you get stupid drunk and do stupid drunk things... just imagine... #fail.

3. 'cause... you always got the microwave on high? ..... O_o, i don't get it either, but ask kevin hart

4. 'cause... you're too smart for him... he doesn't like not knowing what you're saying and feels like he has to get a dictionary to formulate a response... and so he doesn't want seem slow around you so he tries to use big words, but uses them for no reason just so he can feel better... like... "the way the light is ILLUMINATING this room..." or "this football game is so TITILATING"

okay... maybe those aren't the best examples, but "you know what i'm saying..."

5. 'cause... your breath stank... i mean, no one likes stank breath... so um, brush, and floss, and listerine.

6. 'cause... you're cockeyed.. a]. yes, this goes both ways... it's the same reason she won't date you. negroes is shallow too....

and again! b.] arguments will end too nicely if they begin with... "why you looking at that f*ck n!gg@ like that" or "look at me when i'm talking to you"
...ooorrrrr, when he has to think to himself, "is she looking at me or something else" or "if, i'm supposed to be looking in her eyes, should i actually look her in her eyes or should i pretend like i'm cockeyed too..." #imjustsayin'

7. 'cause... he's gay... i mean ain't nothing wrong with that... and there's nothing wrong with you... aside from the fact that you're a woman... he just don't like you...

8. 'cause... he just don't like you... and that has nothing to do with you... or maybe it does. but for this matter, it's not about you... you're not his type. the things you find normal, make him uncomfortable... you don't share interests... all qualities that have nothing to do with you, per say... because you can't help being yourself... and you shouldn't have to change things like that for nan' body... just find someone who likes you for you... [and yes, i used the word nan']

9. 'cause... all you do is quote beyoncé... talmbout "you must not know 'bout me? you must not know 'bout me" or "can you pay my bills? can you pay my telephone bills..." or... "if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on"

... all of that???? he don't wanna hear it... so please try to keep beyoncé out of your everyday conversations.

10. 'cause... "you smell, look, and feel like doo-doo" [courtesy of joe]... i guess looking and smelling like doo-doo are self-explanatory... but the feeling like doo-doo, though he is not sure how it feels, knows that "if she felt like it, i'm sure it would be unpleasant"... so, stop looking, smelling, and feeling like doo-doo...

11. 'cause... he doesn't want to be in a relationship... which is another reason why you shouldn't date him anyway... "don't try to force nan' man into something he doesn't want... because he will turn into someone you don't want. [and yes, i used nan' again]

12. 'cause... because you're a slab... nan' man is gonna wife no slab... so stop being a shone... and maybe mr. right will come along...

ooorrrr, continue to be a shone... "ain't nothing wrong with a little slabbin' every now and then..." #slabquotes #thingsslabssay #imjustsaying

13. 'cause... you can't cook... they say the way to a man's heart is his stomach... but if you think you be beasting in the kitchen, and he rather eat out... that may be a sign... watch food network... and get your iron chef on...

14. 'cause... he's married... DUH!

15. 'cause... you crazy... and that my friend, is a problem with you... if you bust windows, slash tires, burn clothes, stalk him, blow his phone up... pop up at his house, claim him on facebook, go off on twitter "subliminally"... these are all things YOU are doing... and quite, frankly, i wouldn't want to date you either... 'cause, you crazy...

16. 'cause... you listen to all the things your friends say... and don't consider what he does... girls gossip... that's fine... but when it comes to your 'man' and what not... you shouldn't always take your friends advice... your 'relationship' should be between you and him.... because there are a lot of times she don't know what she talkin' bout...

17. 'cause... you're not what you claim to be about... you say you're a woman of god and don't go to church, and don't live by faith... you say, or... you say, you're a lady, but walk around the street like a ghetto bunny... whatever it is... your words and your actions aren't consistent... do better...

18. 'cause... your bathroom is dirty... ["my bathroom is dirty?"] YES, your bathroom is dirty...

just think, if the place where you get clean is dirty, how are you really clean? [mmmmm] ...makes so much sense, right?

19. 'cause... you're better than him at nba 2k12 and/or madden... guys don't like losing... it's not your fault, you got skills... they need to step their game up...

and last but not least...

he won't date you......................................

20. 'cause... he's whack... if... he ain't tryna 'wife' you up... he has a problem... beautiful, strong, educated women should have no reason to feel like nothing for the likes of men... the man of your dreams will appreciate all of those things... and if not... don't date him., girrrrlllll...

and that my friends... tis all...
hope you enjoyed.

=]

don't date him, girl...

a funny little list:

all of this may not always apply... but... i thought it was funny... when i made it up.

gggiiirrrlllllll,

don't date him if...

1. if... he smells like freshly sprayed axe... who knows what he's trying to cover up.

2. if... all he does is text you... he's probably calling someone else

3. if... and when he does text you, he doesn't use punctuation. if he can't put in the effort to differentiate between sentences... he probably won't put in much effort trying to please you...

...ooorrrr, you're too smart for him.

4. if... you're too smart for him... ain't nan' body worth you having to dumb down your sentences so they can understand your plain english ... [and yes, i said nan']

5. if... he can't understand your plain english... again, you're too smart for them

...ooorrrrr, there's a language barrier... and umm, it's hard enough to communicate to your 'boo thang' in plain english... so i'm not too sure it's a great idea to try to communicate in another one

6. if... he's cockeyed.. a]. yes i may be shallow... but more, importantly... b.] i don't think arguments will end too nicely if they begin with... "why you looking at that lady's @$$" or "look at me when i'm talking to you"

...ooorrrrr, when you have to think to yourself, "is he looking at me or something else" or "if, i'm supposed to be looking in his eyes, should i actually look him in his eyes or should i pretend like i'm cockeyed too..." #imjustsayin'

7. if... he's texting someone after 1am, and it's not you... homeboy time ends sometime between 12 and 1 ... and that may be even pushing it...

8. if... he actually IS texting his homeboy after 1am... O_o

9. if... he knows more of the words to any beyonce, ciara, or nicki minaj song, than you do... double O_o

10. if... he says "you know what i'm saying"... but you never know what he's saying...

11. if... he doesn't want to be in a relationship... don't try to force nan' man into something he doesn't want... because he will turn into someone you don't want. [and yes, i used nan' again]

12. if... you only hear from him between the hours of 2am and 6am ... you are just a booty call...

13. if... you are a booty call... maybe this isn't about him... maybe it's about you... and in that case, he shouldn't date you...

14. if... he's married... DUH!

15. if... never talks about his mom... you are not worthy... or she crazy...

16. if... he quits at things frequently... a video game when he's losing, an assignment he doesn't understand, his job because someone left 3 seconds on the microwave... it's all the same... it means he will quit on you...

17. if... he doesn't wear socks... that's nasty... i mean... unless they're shoes you're not supposed to wear socks with...but otherwise, that's nasty...

18. if... you sneeze and he doesn't say bless you... that's rude. and they don't care about you enough.

19. if... he wears pants without pockets... who wears pants without pockets????

20. if... he's all talk... talk is cheap... he has to be able to back it up... so only believe it when you see it... [pause]

and that my friends... tis all...

hope you enjoyed.

this hair.

so...

its been a while bloggie. so you probably didn't know.

i cut my hair.

and i'm still trying to figure out, if this was my quarter-life crisis in the making

but one day, i woke up...

and tried to comb it...

and there was the biggest knot in my hair.

like it refused to come out

so,

i pulled so hard.

a chunk of may hair came out.

and you know, i've never really been a hair person.

i hated doing my hair when i was a child

i'd kick and scream, and cry.

middle school and high school got better...

but still a perm would hold me over for a few weeks

i'd wear it down the first day... and after that

ponytails and buns were all i could manage.

there was no way i'd muster the patience to keep it all slick and pretty.

not with dance and basketball... and anything else i managed to do in high school

and college, well... i tried. being a "model" helped

but still even so. i was not moved.

and then i got to grad school... and somehow, i discovered this thing called weave.

i had worn a couple before then.. but never enough to consider its perks

but, boy did it make life easy

and yea... it gave me "versatility"

and i felt "pretty"

and all i had to do was let some lady or one of my cousins play in my head a couple hours, and it'd last me a couple months.

i'd wake up... give it a little life and get on with my day

it was like heaven.

and then, there was the dare.

yep, a dare.

"you should go natural,

just try it... for like a year... and see what happens

i dare you."

and but, of course, i have never been one to punk out on a dare.

so, sure... on november 28th of last year, i got my last perm.

i added it to my new years resolution...

and i grew out my hair ever since...

and then that day came.

september 22nd.

and i broke down. came home after that big chunk of hair came out, and took some scissors to my head.

and so now i'm here

thinking about what really this whole hair journey has been

was i really just frustrated with my hair?

that i had finally gotten to that half perm/half natural phase

and my hair was breaking so it was just time to let it go?

or was it more than that

had i really had a break down

i felt like everything was going wrong in life

that i had to make a change

or it was just going to continuing on this winding way down

did i have an "i am not my hair" moment?

where i felt as though my beauty was not determined by the length, or straightness, or nappiness that my hair was at the time

but that if anyone where to love me, it be for who i am

and not my physical appearance

was it my revenge?

cutting off my hair because my ex said he wouldn't date me if i did it...

was this my "moving on?"

was it the final straw?

caring no less about my hair now, than i ever did...

i still don't really know...

but i do know that

all the "lavishness" all my friends told me about going natural...

"it's so liberating...

it's so much easier...

it made me feel so free...

it's the best thing you could ever do to your hair"

HA!

LIARS!

i hate this 'natural' crap

no, i don't feel liberated. liberated from what? the man, and his 'creamy crack'... sure, i don't the white man to tell me i need to where my hair straight to be beautiful... but it's not like i'm still not going to the store to buy products that bring out my true "coil pattern" or this crap that will stimulate my roots or 'redefine' my natural hair that this white mad made.

no, it is not easier. i feel like i have to put in much more time and effort into my hair than i did when i just needed 20 minutes with a comb and a relaxer kit.

no, i don't feel free... it is actually the most constraining thing, i've ever done to my head

and, no, it is not the best decision, i've made.

not to be the debbie downer of the whole thing

there are some truths to going natural. sure your hair gets stronger, or sure it's not damaged to the chemicals you place in it.

but, i feel as though, perks to naturalness depend on the person.

and those people who have not as great or thinning hair, reap those benefits.

others don't.

i have never had a problem with my hair not being thick, or soft, or strong.

there have been times where i would get a perm... and it seem like i didn't.

like if my hair was damaged, it wasn't because of my perm, it's because i didn't take care of it,

i didn't always get a trim, i would let my split ends grow. that's just what hair does.

and if you want healthy hair, going natural isn't the only way.

and, i digress.

back to my quarter-life crisis.

hair...

hate it.

life.

love it...

well, love it more than i hate it.

beauty.

who really cares.

i love myself for who i am

and though i hate my hair... and the way it looks... it's just hair...

and because of that, i don't consider myself an uglier person for the decisions i have made about it.

so... natural or not...

whatever this hair thing i'm going through...

it's some kind of phase,

and, hopefully, not a demerit on the quality of my character

longwinded.

and many months in the making

but, tis all.

carry on.

the blog is back.

okay all.

my life is back.

ssooooo,

my blog is back

and though, i often say that, and don't commit.

well, actually, i don't think i lie. and say i'm fully back and not be.

i usually say, i won't be back... but will try to

but anyhow,

i'm resoluting... again.

and i shall hopefully be here more than once a month.

i'm going for once or twice a week.

but don't hold me to it

well, actually, do hold me to it.

the next couple of posts will have a lot to do with me getting some stuff off my chest.

and are probably not directed at any recent event...

but more so things, i've haven't really gotten to vocalize my opinions about

so.

they aren't to be considered anything but that.

and with that,

welcome back...

signed.

-a life in the day.

tape... and glue.

trying to keep the pieces
she tried so hard to stitch back together
and because of it
she wouldn't let anyone else in
she'd rather be left broken
with a heart fragmented

so she held it all within
all the secrets she dwelled
the tears she shed
and the pain she felt.
still repairing the damage
trying to keep the pieces
she tried so hard to stitch back together
she wouldn't let anyone else in
for allowing anyone back into her heart
could lead to it being broken again
and the tape, and glue...
is all she had to keep together the pieces...

day seventeen: sand

we walked
hand and hand
gazing at the horizon
the wind blowing against our faces...
playing with the waves
laughing at ourselves
creating memories we'd reminisce about forever
enjoying the moments we will now share
for the rest of our lives...

as we left footsteps in the sand



started 4.17.11